Out of chaos, stars are born

Dear Journal,

Why are appearances so important here? Apparently, to be happy on Earth you need a secure job, a big house, gadgets, a “standard” body… Apparently, you have to have. Yet “to have happy” means nothing… Of course I like comfort and money, but it seems so empty to me. As if we were being fed on feelings of belonging and lack, a food that slowly puts out our flame, our being…

What I am looking for is happiness, the real kind. You know, that moment when you tell yourself “this is exactly where I want to be; I would not change places for anything in the world”. An ecstatic episode. That instant when life feels kind, beautiful and gentle, when you feel deep gratitude for everything that is. I sometimes feel this when I see the sun rise and Nature wake up. But it always ends up leaving, night comes back… and what follows is hardly comfortable.

It is in the moments that follow that I dive into the depths of my soul, a dark mixture of sadness and melancholy. A connection with my visceral fears, a parenthesis in which I flirt with my anxieties. And that is exactly where I learn the most about myself, about my filters. The sun always comes back after the night; that is how it is.

But that is also where things go wrong in our society. We do not dare show our flaws and fears, or even admit them to ourselves. We love ourselves halfway. To accept ourselves, we first have to know ourselves, to go back inside. Introspection is not a widespread value in a world focused on appearances, where you have to “keep face”. So around me I see humans gradually cutting themselves off from their emotions, from others and from their beauty. Yet in the depth of their eyes I always perceive that spark shining in each of them; it is simply asking to be there.

Dear journal, do you know that out of chaos, stars are born? By diving into my inner darkness to rekindle the stars of my universe, I discover the richness of what we call chaos. It brings in peace.

✦