The amphitheatre of my life

Dear Journal,

This weekend, I attended a unique play, one with a thousand sets in which I am the lead actor. It all took place in my inner world, and it was intense. I discovered masks, strategies and subterfuges used with the sole aim of helping me live as well as possible in this world. Act after act, I saw myself as the emotionally dependent one seeking fusion, the one who flees and categorically refuses any form of commitment, the controlling one wanting to take the upper hand so as not to be destabilised. I saw myself as a human being, hurt, frightened and looking for quick solutions.

I loved watching this show. That of the intelligence of life seeking, whatever the cost, solutions to keep moving along the path, to continue the movement. This psychic ballet is my life. And in fact, it is not who I am. Because in the end, whatever the changes of scenery, costumes, masks or supporting characters, one element remained unchanged: my consciousness. It did me good to find a kind of anchor in the middle of this emotional vortex.

I will never be able to change history, nor fully heal from my wounds, that is true. But I also know that these flaws do not determine who I am, that life supports me as best it can in gradually letting go of them, and in finding peace. There is no lotus without mud. The most beautiful gift we can give ourselves, in my view, is to be clear-eyed about our human condition. We cannot escape pain, unlike suffering, which can become optional.

This morning, I feel as though Sagittarius’s arrows are carrying me high, far from the deep waters of Scorpio. Like Icarus, I escape the maze of my mind, my mental labyrinth guarded by the Minotaur, to find freedom again. I promise I will not fly too close to the sun, and will keep my feet on the Earth. This morning, I now feel love and tenderness for certain acts of my theatrical work that once tormented my imagination. And in this life, I alone have the power to give myself this freedom.

✦